♕

I know this is not hard. I know I’ve been though worse in my life. I know that I cannot judge 21 year old me for what I thought was a good choice.

I just can’t let go of him. I’m not even sure why, I just feel so fucking invested. Like to throw it all away is a waste of everything.

I know I can have many more boyfriends, richer, better looking, nicer men and I just still can’t imagine telling him to fuck off and thats just the end. Not in a thousand years. I thought this is who I wanna be with and I find it so hard to change that narrative when everything within me is telling me to run the opposite way.

I grapple with this and it is such a powerless position but I can’t imagine life without him and that is why I am beginning to hate myself.

I became a woman that bases herself within a man.

That thought alone should just end me.

I often forget about tumblr. (This is insane because once upon a time, this was literally my life) the 2010-2012 era further reiterating how fucking old I am.

However, now as a twenty-four year old college senior with 3 CLASSES LEFT TO GRADUATE I am completely let go, and ready to change my future. I am so sick of letting everything fuck me in the end. I am now the fucker of everything 

See, the past few years I am what I like to call a victim of “circumstance”. This is popular terminology because it is so EASY to fit yourself in that category. However. starting now I am no longer apart of that group. I am no longer allowing “circumstance” to dictate my present nor future.

so I’m reading my archive trying to figure out who did I use to be? I’m just so confused. I really hate my life at this moment. I know every time I post here, I say this shit but I truly think its awful and I get mad at myself every day for not taking action and making a fucking change. I’m just stuck in a endless cycle.

I am proud to say I am taking my body seriously and dieting and exercising and seen a few pounds drop off. I just need to get the revenge body in check.